How to kill a Dalek.

Are you a time traveler? do you have the constant threat of Daleks? do you not want to use one of your lives on these upside-down dustbins?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions then you need the handy dandy guide on how to kill a Dalek!

Daleks are the scum of the universe and need wiping out, one man alone cannot destroy all the Daleks that ever existed (even though the doctor came pretty damn close), thats where we need your help, every month we will be publishing our favourite way of stopping a Dalek, and you can try it out on the next Dalek that you meet.

Featured deaths

Death by Magic roundabout.

What you'll need: A roundabout big enough to put a Dalek on, Rope, a big engine.
Method: First you need to lure the Dalek onto the roundabout, tie it into place. Then let that engine roar, once the roundabout is going at a high enough speed, cut the rope, the centrefugal effect will cause the Dalek to fly off the roundabout, and into something, preferably tough. Although you need to make sure the Dalek doesn't fly into you.

Our score: 8/10(entertainment) 1/10(safety)

Death by homemade Air Conditioning

What you'll need: A lot of fans and a large vat of water.
Method: As the summer causes a lot of people to complain you can here kill two Daleks with one invention. First get the fan and place it over the top of either water or Ice. Now the fan needs to blow away from the water, so that you force the water to evapourate, as you evapourate the water will, as vapor, flow in the direction of the fan. This as everyone knows causes metals to rust. Now if my calculations are correct the Dalek shell is made of the metal that should rust. If done with enough water and fans the rate of evapourations will be enough to rust the Dalek so it is unable to move.

Our score: 9/10(entertainment) 2/10(safety)

Death by sunburn

What you'll need: sun cream, a David Blaine style glass box, and a hot day. Some ice creams would be nice too!
Method: On a hot day, get the Dalek to fall into a trap, inside the trap is a glass box, the glass box heats the Dalek up, and then he frazzles in the sun, while the Dalek is in the box put on your suncream, and have a ice cream and watch.

Our score: 5/10(entertainment) 7/10(safety)

Death by Dalek

What you'll need: More than one Dalek, some people masks and a whole lot of luck.
Method: Get the Daleks into a confined environment, place the people masks on the Daleks, and hope the Daleks are fooled and shoot each other, at the same time would be best but it's not likely to happen. In the case that one survives then use another way to kill that Dalek. The only problem is that how do you put the people masks on? easy dress yourself as a Dalek! or maybe wait until they all fall asleep, you may need to drug them.

Our score: 9/10(entertainment) 2/10(safety)

Death by Fire.

What you'll need: A smoker, a lot of petrol, a lighter, and a fire extinguiser.
Method: Get the petrol, make a big puddle of petrol(maybe a lake of petrol) and lure the Dalek into the centre. Once that is done trap him somehow, then get a smoker with a lighter, and tell him to smoke near the Dalek, he will be exterminated, but when he drops his cigarette he will ignite the petrol. This will cause the Dalek to burn to death, melting it. The good thing is we've also gotten rid of another smoker, this might be effective with more smokers, preffrebly stoned smokers. Once this is done you need to extinguish the burning fuel, H&S wont let you do it yourself, but, you can get sprinklers to do most of the hard work.

Our score: 9/10(entertainment) 7/10(safety)

Death by George W. Bush.

What you'll need: A phone, and uncle George W.'s number.
Method: Find out exactly where in the world the largest number of Daleks are and then ring up George W. and tell him that a lot of terrorists(or use terrorists names if you wish) and WMD's are hiding there. He will instantly be patriotic and send a load of rockets or "nukler" weapons towards the Daleks, and BOOM a shit load of Daleks out in one go. Note however that you must not be standing there at the time.

Our score: 6/10(entertainment) 10/10(safety)

Death by Rock Music.

What you'll need: A big, huge even, CD player, some CD's and MASSIVE SPEAKERS
Method: Get the Dalek into it's position exactly halfway between the speakers and when your ready push play on the CD player. A good rock album should do the trick, but beware it has to be loud enough to shatter the Dalek's outer shell, if not then the Dalek will escape and it will exterminate you. Note however that you need ear protection to prevent you from going deaf. Also add more speakers to speed up the processs.

Our score: 10/10(entertainment) 6/10(safety)

Death by Cricket.

What you'll need: A professional Cricket team, a cricket ball, and a bat
Method: First get the Dalek to stand near the cricket pitch and get the players to start playing, once thats going sit back and wait for the Dalek to die of bordome. Simple. Just make sure that the Dalek doesn't fire at you while he's on the side of the pitch. Oh and make sure you don't watch the game as you'll be out too.

Our score: 0/10(entertainment) 5/10(safety)

Death by Bowling.

What you'll need: A professional Bowler, a bowling ball, and a 1-way mirror
Method: First get the Dalek to stand at the end of a bowling lane, then simply get the bowler to roll the ball as fast as possible, it may take a few go's to knock the living daylights out of the Dalek, but eventually you'll knock the bastard senseless. There is a chance that the Dalek will move up the lane and start shooting at you, so maybe place the 1-way mirror so he can't see you, but you can hit him.

Our score: 6/10(entertainment) 2/10(safety)

Death by Cooker.

What you'll need: a big cooker like thing, a realisic 3D projector
Method: Get the projector to look like you are walking into a big dark cooker, when it gets in then lock the door and turn on the heat. It will proberbally take a while to get up to the relevant temperature, otherwise a molten pot of liquid Steel (like on the terminator) or equivilant will do

Our score: 8/10(entertainment) 9/10(safety)

Death by Van.

What you'll need: A car, a van(not a caravan), a bus, a biggun-fuckun-truckun or a articulated lorry.
Method: Simple! get the Dalek in the middle of the road, and use your method of transport to run the basterd over. The Dalek will make a satisfying bang when you hit it. Be carful to not get too hurt by it's metal armour

Our score: 7/10(entertainment) 4/10(safety)

Death by Internet.

What you'll need: a computer(check), internet access(check).
Method: get the Dalek to connect to the internet and then get it to download the whole internet (thats right the whole internet), then one of three things will happen, A) the Dalek will die of bordome trying to download it, B) the Dalek's database will become corupt due to the crap that's on the internet (this site included) and therfore won't be able to remember how to exterminate, or C) the Dalek will become so offended by all the "human porn" on the internet, it will commit suicide due to it being highly offended.

Our score: 4/10(entertainment) 10/10(safety)

Death by Electromagnetic Induction.

What you'll need: A large(and I mean large) length of insulated copper wire, A HUGE power supply, and a pair of safety gogles(to keep the H&S department happy).
Method: this one's quite simple just wrap the wire round the Dalek and plug the wire into the mains. As you know the exterior of the Dalek is made of metal, which means that it'll become a strong magnet, that means stay clear!!
Now once you're clear of the Dalek switch on the power and see the bugger getting electrocuted, crushed under it's own weight and crushed by all metal objects in a radius of 500 yards(ish)

And there you have it death electromagnetic induction, the Dalek has been crushed and is most definately dead

Our score: 9/10(entertainment) 6/10(safety)

Death by Stairs.

Whats needed: A long flight of stairs, Rubber gloves(or a big stick will do), and a lot of courage
Method: Although Daleks can now elevate up stairs, we know that a big whack to the head will stop them.
So you need to get the Dalek at the top of a flight of stairs and then make it think you've disapears. While it is still at the top, push it down the stairs while wearing your rubber gloves, because they can set you on fire if you touch them. Otherwise use your big stick to push it down, Remember don't let it lock onto you it will try to kill you, by plunger or by ray gun.

And there you have it death by stairs, the Dalek has no arms so it cannot get back into position and will eventually die of starvation.

Our score: 7/10(entertainment) 1/10(safety)